Rita Skeeter Interviews Bella Swan
by KateKicksAss
Summary: Rita Skeeter, sneaky investigative journalist from Harry Potter, interviews Bella Swan, the lovesick, angsty teenager from Twilight. Watch as hilarity ensues in the form of one little interview!


**NOTE: This interview is written as if Bella is still human. Think after Eclipse but before Breaking Dawn. And I don't mean to offend Twilight fans with any of the questions that Rita asks Bella in this article, based on Rita's personality in the books, I'm assuming she'd ask awkward questions.**

Me Myself and I  
_By Rita Skeeter_

Today's interview is with popular fantasy book character, Bella Swan. Captivating readers in Twilight, read on as I interview Bella, and see if there's more to her than just an obsession with Edward!

_*The door opens, and in walks Bella...with Edward.*_

Bella Swan: Can Edward please come?

Rita Skeeter: Sorry, *huge grin*...NO!

BS: _*whines* Pleeeeease?_

RS: _*I flash my famous "no-way-but I'll-still-pretend-to-be-nice" grin and shake my head*_

_*Edward mutters something in Bella's ear, and Bella nods and smiles as she sits down in my chair. I shake my head...I can tell when somethings up. I wave my wand, and with a flash of purple light, I hear a loud, "OUCH!", and the sound of something being thrown backwards. There is a loud smashing sound, and a large, Edward-shaped hole appears in the door, and then there is a thud from outside. Bella rises out of her chair..*_

BS: Holy crow! What did you do? Edward! Are you all right?

RS: _*Waves wand, and the door slams shut*_ I wanted YOU, Bella, now please, SIT DOWN! _*I smile winningly and push her back into her chair*_ Edward will be fine... I think. That's the first time I've ever used the Vampire-banishing spell...the Ministry's just modified it for sparkly vampires like your Edward. _*I mutter a quick spell to fix the door and make it so Edward can't sneak in again*_

BS: _*Eyes widen* What?_

RS: Moving on...can I can you Bella, or do you prefer Isabella?

BS: _*Uneasily, and twisting in her chair to look back at the door*_ Uh... yeah, Bella's fine...

RS: Lovely. Now do you mind if I use a quick-quotes quill?

BS: _*Confused*_ What's that?

RS: Wonderful! Now let's begin. So, tell me about yourself. I want to know you, the REAL you. And of course, so do my readers! _*wink*_

BS: Well...um...I'm from Forks...and I love Edward...we're going to get married.

RS: Of course we all know that, darling...anything else? Like what do you like to do...any hobbies? Friends?

BS: Well...doing things with Edward, I guess. I'm up for anything as long as he's with me.

_*Quill scratches, and I nod. Of course most victims...er, I mean Interviewees are reluctant at first*_

RS: And how does it feel to have two incredibly gorgeous guys after you?

BS: Edward and Jacob? Well actually, it's pretty annoying, I mean Jake's a good friend, but he just doesn't get it, I mean, I'm with Edward, okay?

RS: Hmmmm, okay. Not to be rude, but doesn't that seem a bit ungrateful? You know that a lot of girls out there would love to be you right now!

BS: Look, Edward and I are in love, okay? Jake should just accept that and move on! _*She rises half out of her chair defiantly*_

RS: No need to get excited, I'm just asking...

BS: _*Sits back down*_

RS: Now, what do you say to the fact that to most peoples definitions, Edward is technically dead? And have you always had issues with necrophilia or is this a relatively new issue?

BS: What? And hey...Edward ISN'T DEAD!

RS: Of course he isn't, darling. _*wink*_ Now,

BS: True love knows no bounds!

RS: Yes, all right...moving on, do you think of yourself as a good role model for teen muggles-er, I mean GIRLS?

BS: Well, everyone-_*Bella leans over and looks at my writing pad*_ Hey! Edward ISN'T DEAD! And my name isn't Mary Sue...it's Bella...and what's that about "severely lacking a personality"?

RS: Never mind the quill, dear. Now-

BS: _*Interrupting*_ You'd better not be planning on publishing that! Edward won't let you!

RS: _*Muttering*_ Like I'm really afraid of a sparkly fairy and a Mary Sue-

BS: WHAT? I'm not Mary Sue, and EDWARD ISN'T A FAIRY!

RS: Er...I mean Vampires...I'm not afraid of VAMPIRES, _*smirk and wink*_ Now, moving on, how do you feel Stephenie Meyer has portrayed you and the fairy...I mean, EDWARD in the Twilight series? Do you feel she's done you and your necrophilia issues-I mean, ROMANCE justice?

BS: Well, I didn't get the title, I mean, what does the time of day have to do with me and Edward? And I don't even like apples!

RS: _*Raises eyebrows*_ O-kay...

BS: And like, seriously, what do tulips, ribbons and chess pieces have to do with love? And the titles, I mean, I don't know anything about astronomy...and we're in love. They should have been called something more like, "Bella and Edward", or, "Forbidden Love", or something like that.

RS: Okay, so now-

BS: _*Interrupting*_ And they didn't do Edward justice either. He's just so beautiful, his skin is so pale,he's godlike in every way. I mean, I can't believe he chose me, we're so in love. And he's just so romantic, I mean, he watches me when I sleep!

RS: _*Gags*_ Are you aware that what you classify as romantic, most others would classify as creepy or stalker-ish?

BS: What's creepy or stalker-ish about Edward sneaking into my house and watching me sleep or following me around? It's so sweet, he cares about me so much!

RS: _*Eyeroll*_

BS: What? Just because YOU'VE never had a boyfriend...

RS: Excuse me, darling?

BS: Nothing _*glare*_ Anyways, Edward is just so perfect, I mean-

RS: _*Covers ears and looks sick*_ Please, stop...I get it, dear!

BS: I mean, the way he sparkles is just so-

RS: I get it, please, stop! _*Tries to cover ears*_

BS: -Adorable, and he's so kind and romantic, and he's just so gorgeously perfect-

RS: _*Turning green*_ I can't take it anymore! _*Gets up and runs for the door*_

BS: _*Doesn't notice, and keeps talking about Edward* He's just so incredible in every way, and he's smart-_

_*As I was running for my life, trying to avoid dying of boredom and/or going insane from Bella's inane Edward rant, I was forced to conclude my highly informative interview with Bella Swan*_


End file.
